Friday, September 28, 2012

{ On Grief and Eating }

It's a very sad morning. My sweet little girl, Teddie, passed away shortly after midnight this morning. She has been with me since I picked her up almost 11 years ago when she was about 6 weeks old. She has been the absolutely sweetest little lady and my social butterfly when ever someone came over to visit. She was a tiny little thing that held a huge spot in my heart and this morning it is breaking. 

Sweet Teddie
I have lost many of my beloved 4-legged children over the years and it just never gets easier.  These little souls are my children (see my post here about how I feel about my furry kids).  In times past, I would be sad and eat and eat and eat - trying to numb the heartache and the grief.  I am choosing not to do that now.  I need to feel the pain, live with it, write about it, talk about it, BUT I can no longer stuff the sadness with food.  I just can't do it.
Teddie loved her friend Mouse (who passed away 3 years ago)
Eating may make me feel better in these moments of extreme sadness, but the feelings I am running from are still there.

Again, Teddie was a real lovebug, here with her pal Joey (who passed away last year)

In my quest to have a better relationship with food, I need to learn and practice healthier ways to deal with my emotions.  If I can't stop this vicious cycle of eating my emotions, I will continue to be unhealthy (and worse) and will become increasingly powerless over both my food and my feelings.  

My sweet Teddie was an amazing little soul who deserves to be remembered and memorialized, and eating to oblivion does not serve that purpose today.

Rest in peace, my dear baby girl....mommy loves you.

We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our 
own, live within a fragile circle;
easily and often breached. 
Unable to accept its awful gaps,
we would still live no other way. 
We cherish memory as the only
certain immortality, never fully 
understanding the necessary plan  

~Irving Townsend 
Until next time, friends, 


Sunday, September 23, 2012

{ Dear Body...}

Dear Body, 

Although we have had a volatile relationship for many years, I am finally learning to appreciate all that you do - all that you have done - for me.  I have judged you and I have abused you terribly.  You could have given up on me but instead here we are and despite everything you keep me going.

I have packed the pounds on you, I have not given you any exercise, and I have verbally berated you.  Yet you keep me moving - you keep carrying me forward.

The result of my actions against you have caused pain - premature osteoarthritis in both knees and feet - and while I have felt sorry for myself, you have kept me walking.  I know the extra weight I have forced you to carry for so many years was hurting you terribly but you accepted the challenge.

Dear body of mine, I hear you now asking me to make a change.  I hear you and I am ready. 
Stick with me, dear body, and I promise I will nourish you with good foods, hydrate you well with water, exercise you as best I can, and perhaps most importantly, love you, nurture you and HONOR YOU in both actions and words.  
I promise that I will no longer compare you to any other bodies because you are unique, you are precious, you are mine and I love you.

Until next time, friends, 


Saturday, September 15, 2012

{ The Magic }

This summer, my mom and I worked through the book, The Magic by Rhonda Byrne.  

The blurb on Amazon reads like this:  One word changes everything. For more than twenty centuries, words within a sacred text have mystified, confused, and been misunderstood by almost all who read them. Only a very few people through history have realized that the words are a riddle, and that once you solve the riddle—once you uncover the mystery—a new world will appear before your eyes.
In The Magic, Rhonda Byrne reveals this life-changing knowledge to the world. Then, on an incredible 28-day journey, she teaches you how to apply this knowledge in your everyday life.  
No matter who you are, no matter where you are, no matter what your current circumstances, The Magic is going to change your entire life!  
Mom and I did the whole 28-day program and found it to be very powerful.  We would call each other each day and work the program together.  One of the key components is that we must be GRATEFUL each day for everything we have both big and small.

Each morning upon waking, write down TEN blessings you are grateful for and the reason why.  It should look something like this:

ex:  I'm truly blessed to have _______________________, because _______________________.

ex:  I am so happy and grateful for _______________________, because _______________________.

ex:  I am truly grateful for _______________________, because _______________________.

Once you have written your ten each morning, you must say the magic words three times:

THANK YOU UNIVERSE (or God or Spirit or...)

Sometimes it is super easy to come up with 10 and beyond and other days you may struggle to find three.....but come up with 10 each day we did. There is nothing that is too profound to be grateful for and nothing too small to be grateful for.  One day I was simply thankful for lounge wear because it is so comfy and I was thankful for Mitchum deodorant because it is always good to smell nice.  HaHa!  Trivial perhaps, but it was important that day. :)

I cannot recommend this book and the 28-day program enough.  Mom and I felt so great when we were doing it, that we continue with our ten blessings each day still.
Mom and I last year at the beach.  I am so GRATEFUL that she
is not only my amazing mother but my very best friend.

Until next time, friends, 


{ I'm An Affirmation Geek }

Hi, my name is Lolly and I am an affirmation geek! Can I get an AMEN?
“It’s the repetition of affirmations 
that leads to belief. And once that 
belief becomes a deep conviction, 
things begin to happen.” 
– Claude M. Bristol
On even my hardest days, whether it be weight, money, happiness, etc., reading and repeating positive affirmations makes my heart feel lighter, I feel happier, and I feel like I can do anything.  I have always believed that words are very powerful and the power of affirmations helps me in transforming my life.  When I state what I want to be true in my life, I am mentally and emotionally seeing it as truth, regardless of what my current circumstances are.
I think the extra step that is so important when using positive affirmations  is to say the magic words THANK YOU every day.  Not just being thankful for the possibility of the affirmation being true, but saying THANK YOU as if the affirmation is ALREADY true.

On a side note, a sweet friend brought by a bag of goodies for Suzanne and Anderson and they were so excited to check out their new treasures (pictured below).  I am currently unemployed, and am worried about money and paying the mortgage and taking care of all my 4-legged kids (although my affirmations make me hopeful!), and many dear friends have rallied around me, including remembering the kids with this fun bag of bones and toys.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 
"Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words, 
Your words become your actions, 
Your actions become your habits, 
Your habits become your values, 
Your values become your destiny."  

— Mahatma Gandhi 

My sweet Suzanne

Until next time, friends, 


Sunday, September 9, 2012

{ Something Special Sundays #3 }

A few weeks ago, to take my mind off my worries and stresses and even my weight for a moment, I decided to take a few hours "off" and find some things online that make me happy....and {Something Special Sundays} was born. This post is filled with things or ideas that make me smile!

This week I discovered Trader Joe's Strawberry Coconut Milk Ice Cream (dairy free) - OH. EM. GEE.  So good.  I will not be able to buy it very often  - it is way too good and kind of pricey - but oh my, is it delicious!  

As a proud crazy cat lady, I saw this book and laughed out loud. Lots of tongue-in-cheek poems and really, if you have a cat(s), you will get it and chuckle yourself!
I am not at all a delicate person, but this necklace is just AMAZING.  I don't think I could ever pull it off, but it really does make me happy just to look at it! It's just stunning!
Although this delight is no where in my budget now or anytime in the near future, I am really digging this amazing vegan handbag,  It's called *Meghan* and is an original Susan Nichole, the queen of vegan bags!  So pretty!
I love this t-shirt!  As a plus-size woman, I am not a fan of t-shirts for the most part because of my flabby arms, but I would make an exception for this tee and really appreciate the v-neck!  PLUS I won't be this large for long, so....  I want it!
And finally, for this installment of Something Special Sunday, today starts the new season of NFL Football (well, I guess it technically started Thursday, but MY boys start today!).  Yes, I am a girl that LOVES her team!  Hail to the Redskins!!

Until next time, friends, 


Saturday, September 8, 2012

{ Slow Down, You Eat Too Fast }

I don't have a normal relationship with food. 

After my last post, which was VERY CATHARTIC for me, I have done a lot of soul searching (for lack of a better word) and have tried to narrow down some of the things that I do that contribute to my compulsive eating and binging.  One of the key things that I have figured out is that I need to SLOW DOWN and actually taste my food.  Not just taste it, but enjoy it.  I find sometimes maybe always I eat so fast that I don't taste my food,  so I certainly don't enjoy it, my stomach doesn't have time to register that it is full or satisfied, and then my brain thinks I need more food, get the picture.  It's a vicious cycle.
I am a great cook, and love to experiment with vegan foods, so my meals need to start with the pure enjoyment of preparing the delicious food - the art of cooking a healthy, lovely meal.  Then when I sit down to eat, I need to take a bite, put my utensil down, chew slowly and really savor all the wonderful tastes - really enjoy the flavors, the texture and the pure yumminess of the experience of the food.

I read that it takes about 20 minutes after you start eating for the message to stop eating to reach your brain.  If I am being serious here, I am usually finished with any meal within 5 minutes, having not tasted a damn thing that went so greedily into my mouth.  *Sigh.....I have an issue.
My goal going forward is to enjoy the experience of food - both preparing it and eating it - by slowing down.  I believe this to be a key component in my journey to a healthy me - and a healthy relationship with food.

Until next time, friends, 


Monday, September 3, 2012

{ A Powerful Question }

On a recent repeat episode of Dr Oz (love!), a psychologist was counseling some morbidly obese women that wanted to lose weight and change their lives but were stuck. I completely identified with their struggles.  I know what I have to do to lose the weight, but something is stopping me - why do I eat excessively? why do I binge?  why can't I maintain?  What is wrong with me?  Their struggles were so familiar.  They were me.

This psychologist said that he had a question to ask - one that was the most important question to ask yourself in order to start the journey to ALLOWING yourself to lose weight.


Wow.  This question took me aback but I immediately knew the answer.  How did this cute and innocent little girl sitting on the car become the woman that I see in the mirror today?
How did this happy, laughing little girl in the pool become the heavy obese, often unhappy, always worried, and sometimes sad woman I see in the mirror?
When did this brown haired smiling beauty become the woman who doesn't like to have her picture taken because she is uncomfortable in her skin?
When did this sweet little girl, who although shy, was very confident in herself  become this woman who, although in business/work can do and will do anything and is powerful, yet personally has extremely low self-confidence and self-esteem?
How did the woman I see in the mirror everyday let this man, her biological father, affect so much of who she is today?  Why have I given him the power? Why now, even at the age of 47, does his behavior and absence still hurt so badly?
It is still a constant pain that always beats lightly in my heart and then sometimes spikes when a situation arises or sometimes for no reason at all.  Nothing really changes the heartache of a fatherless child.  I had always thought that I was "daddy's girl."

Yet instead, he was the first man to break my heart and to this day I really struggle not to despise him while at the same time I secretly long to love him.

But today is a new day, and I can no longer allow the past - this part of my past - to define me or dictate my actions or my weight.  I am truly sorry that this man missed out on something and someone so wonderful (me!).  BUT I can no longer let HIS actions break me.  They could have - and nearly did - but I will NOT let that happen.

I define me.  I make my decisions based on the now and the future. I am a powerful woman and I am strong enough to, as my beloved grandfather used to say, "rise above it" and live my life NOW.  I will take care of myself, lose weight, get healthy, get HAPPY because I choose to, NOT in spite of him. Does that make sense?  I AM WORTH IT and I AM WORTHY!

Until next time, friends, 


Sunday, September 2, 2012

{ Something Special Sundays #2 }

A few weeks ago, to take my mind off my worries and stresses and even my weight for a moment, I decided to take a few hours "off" and find some things online that make me happy....and {Something Special Sundays} was born. This post is filled with things or ideas that make me smile!

I don't personally have the wall space (they are pretty much all filled) but I just love this concept!  This is wall STICKER art.....awesome.

While I absolutely DESPISE handwashing dishes, it is a necessity since I do not have a working dishwasher.  I've been using a cheap plastic dish rack, but here is the Cadillac of dish racks that I would love to have.

I think elephants are so spiritual and something about them really speaks to my soul.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to have one of these laptop skins? If you are not into elephants, there are literally hundreds of others and I think you can even have your own photographs made into laptop skins.

I am not sure that these are necessary at all - but seriously, are they cute or what? A cozy for your apple - to protect in yours or your childs lunchbag and to just look adorable! Oh. Em.Gee.

And finally, last Tuesday, August 28, was the 49th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream".  It was spectacular and so powerful then and just as powerful today.  If you haven't heard it in a while, take a few minutes and listen today.
Until next time, friends,